


It's going to be okay

by bubblylix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, Please Don't Hate Me, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 20:24:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17128151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblylix/pseuds/bubblylix
Summary: " You’re going to have a great life Seo Changbin and you will soon forget me. " Whispered the boy with a soft voice.Or Felix is tired of pretending and believe it would be better for everyone if he just left the group.





	It's going to be okay

**Author's Note:**

> I had this in my draft for a little while and I couldn't sleep so I actually wrote it  
> I'm sorry in advance for this mess  
> This isn't beta read so feel free to point out any mistake (English isn't my first language)  
> I hope you'll enjoy it
> 
> (I wrote it while listening to Gris's OST if you want to know)

The wind ruffled slightly through his hair as the boy let his eyes focus on the scenery unfolding under him as he leaned against the railing, his thoughts wandering, trapping his own mind in a never ending loop. Being out here, alone on the roof of the dorm building, was oddly calming but, sadly, not enough to stop the voices from whispering in his ear. The blonde ran a hand across his face before sighing loudly, he expected a certain person to walk through the door behind him at any moment and he was everything but ready to face them.

He avoided this conversation for weeks now, distancing himself from anyone who tried to talk to him, pushing his friends away. He knew it wasn’t the solution but it was how he alway acted. Never talking about his problems, or at least not before it became too overwhelming, thinking he was being selfish for dumping his insecurities on his friends knowing very well they had things to deal with too, it was a habit of his. The boy prefered bottling the dark thoughts inside him, letting them destroy him little by little with a bright smile on his face.

The worst in all of this ? He wasn’t ready to see the hurt and disappointed look in the older’s eyes, and he knew it was what he would see as soon as words would start to fall out of his mouth. He wished he could numb his feelings and thoughts enough so that everything would stop hurting, but that wasn't even close to happen even though he tried to make it happened in different ways.

Finally, a loud metallic sound, created by the door hardly hitting the wall of the staircase, broke the peaceful silence the place was drapped in, heavy breathing could be heard, the person standing behind the boy trying to catch his breath after running through the hallways for what felt like hours. After a few seconds, small footsteps made their way beside him.

" Felix… "

It was uttered in a hushered voice and with caution, as if the newcomer wanted to approch a wild animal and was afraid it would run away if he did or say the wrong thing. The blonde highly disliked that, he didn’t want to be treated like some fragile object that could break if you were too brusque.

" What do you want Changbin ? " His voice coming out weaker than the dancer expected it to be.

" We’re all worried about you love, you’ve been overworking yourself for weeks and now you barely eat and sleep, you don’t even talk to us anymore… You don’t even talk to me anymore…. " Here it was, the hurt he expected and feared would be present of the older’s every action.

" I’m okay. "

" Baby you’re obviously aren’t but we can’t help you if you don’t let us. "

Seeing as the younger went silent again, trying to avoid Changbin’s eyes at any cost, he stared at the lights still illuminating the city at such a late hour, the rapper grabbed gently one of his hands before cupping his cheek with the other and forcing him to face him.

" Please look at me, tell me what’s happening, I want to help you, make you happy. " Pleaded the dark-haired boy. " I love you Fe… "

" But I don’t Changbin. And I don’t think I ever did. " Finally let out the taller in a whisper, his voice trembling as his eyes started to water when the words he never wanted to say out loud fell out of his mouth.

"I guess I just liked the feeling of being loved, of someone caring about me, being important to someone."

He focused his gaze on the city, his mind starting to disconnect from reality and what was going to happen once this conversation will be over, when his members, the people the closest of a family he ever had, know what was really going on in his head and how fucked up he really was.

A dry chuckle echoed in the silence.

" You know when I thought I was bisexual and then I started thinking about the future and just couldn’t picture myself with a girl, I didn’t mind being affectionate with one like cuddling for exemple, but it never went passed this. So I came to the conclusion I was, in fact, gay, because when you’re in a relationship with someone you have to be able to imagine growing alongside them, going through the years together. "

Felix could almost hear the rapper's mind thinking loudly about where this was going and he could help the ghost of a smile to allow itself on his lips.

" You want to know why I’ve been so distant, it’s because I realised I can’t even picture myself with anyone. Not you, not anyone. And it's not your fault Changbin. "

The Australian boy turned his head to stare deep into those dark eyes full of pain, distress and incomprehension, trying to make him understand how much he meant these words, that it wasn't his fault.

"I think.... I was so damaged and in need of affection that I misunderstood what love was. I always had problems with affection, I tend to attach myself too quickly to people, putting my entire trust in them and never looking back." 

The blonde sighed and absent-mindly curled his hands over the hem of his hoodie.

" But I… I don’t think I’m able to love or be in love with someone. I can’t love myself so I try to find that love in others. But that’s not healthy Changbin, for the both of us."

The rapper stayed silent, waiting for him to finish, not knowing how he should act at this point, if he should let his need of taking Felix's hands in his, to show the boy that he is safe here, get the better of him.

" I never even imagined living past my thirties. Like they say, I’m here for a good time not a long time, even though their definition of good time is probably different than mine… " Laughed the younger, bitter.

"I can’t see myself living a life with someone especially when I know I won’t last long, I just can’t, I can’t drag a person with me in this mess. So don’t cry Binnie please. I’m doing this for you, you deserve better, someone that will love you and cherish you like I could never do, you don’t need me."

At this point, they were both crying, tears rolling down their cheeks, and as Changbin started sobbing, his lower lips quivering, the dancer pressed gently his forehead against his.

" You’re going to have a great life Seo Changbin and you will soon forget me. " Whispered the boy with a soft voice hoping that his friend will let him go because he needed to get out of his life, of their life. He was no good for any of the members, not good enough, not pretty enough, he couldn't stay there and take advantage of their kindness.

" You’re going to be happy, you are all going to be happy. You don't need me, I'll just slow you down. You'll be better off"

Felix hovered his hand over the older's cheek before stroking slightly his thumb against it, trying to calm the other's sobs which where threating to take over his entire body.

"But you’re not Sunshine.... You're not happy and you won't be.... Please we..… we can talk about this, you can get better. Don’t leave me oh my god please don’t leave me. I’m nothing without you...." Let out Changbin in a cry, his voice totally broken as he was shaking in the dancer's hold.

He gripped the blonde's back, pressing himself against his chest, fearing the love of his life was going to disappear at any second. Because this was what was going to happen if the black-haired boy actually let go. Felix would disappear into thin air and he would never see him again.

He would never see that smile that lighted up his whole world, hear that laugh that was the most wonderful melody, see those eyes and the multitude of raw and wild emotions that would go through them in the most intense ways possible. Those thoughts only made him cry harder.

" It’s okay Binnie. Everything is gonna be fine. "

And, as Felix uttered those words, he managed to get out of the rapper's hold and making his way to the door, leaving a devastated Changbin behind him, sobbing, curled on the floor against the railing.

The Australian's heart only broke a bit more when the metallic door closed as he started to climb down the stairs with the goal of taking the small bag he had prepared a few hours earlier. He never wanted to hurt the people he cared the most about but he knew it was for the best and, by doing this, he only had their best interest at heart. He was only a burden for them.

And with this thought, Felix left the building, walking in the half empty streets under the artificial light of the street lights, with the only intention of vanishing without leaving a trace, making everyone's life easier since he wasn't in it anymore.


End file.
